What NOT to Say to a Special Needs Parent

Tonight was one of those nights. We went to my son’s soccer practice and end up coming home after 20 minutes of trying to get him engaged in the class. The noise and 17 other children (with parents) was just too much. As soon as I got home, I got a phone call from a family member who proceeded to tell me what I did wrong in letting my child leave practice early, and what I should have done. Others who do not walk in your shoes can sometimes be quick to judge or give advice. After tonight’s phone call, I decided that I needed to blog about “What Not to Say”:

1.     Your child needs more discipline; Give me your child for a week and I’ll handle this; or My favorite- you need to spank it out of them.

2.     You need to set higher standards for your child or you give in too easily.

3.     Why is your child in therapy because they look normal?

4.     What is wrong with your child? * It is okay to ask specific questions like: Can you tell me more about their diagnosis or disability?

5.     You need to do more as a parent for your child. No wonder the child is that way.

6.     You need to do less as a parent for your child. You need to help them be more independent.

7.     What caused this…is it genetic? Who did they get it from?

8.     Will the child grow out of it? Will he catch up?

9.     Why did you continue having kids? You want more?!?! Aren’t your hands full?

10. Have you tried ____________ (special diets/ different kinds of therapy/ different techniques)? * This question is okay if it is another therapy/ special needs parent trying to connect with you and help you out. It can be hurtful when it is an outsider who has no idea on how much you have already tried. It makes you feel like they think you have not done enough.

11. I can’t believe you are ___________ (doing a certain amount of therapy, giving the child medicine/ not giving the child medicine).

12. What do you do all day since you are not working?

Yes, all of the twelve statements and questions above have been said to me at one point or another and have hurt. Special needs parents are parents too and are trying everything they can to help their child be their best. Just like everyone else, they need encouragement, love, and help.  Here are some examples that every special needs parent wants to hear:

1.     Wow! Your child is making so much progress. I bet you are proud.

2.     How can I help?

3.     You are doing a great job.

4.     You are a great mom/ dad.

5.     What is the child currently working on?

6.     What new skill has your child developed?

7.     How is your child doing with _____ (school/ sports/ activity)?

8.     I will be praying for you and your child.

9.    What a cute or sweet child. (Yes! We love for you to compliment our child)

10.  I understand. I have been there. There is no judgment here.

11.  Say nothing, just interact with the child. Sometimes sweet and loving actions speak louder than words.

We want to hear these things, because at the end of the day, we are just parents with kids. We want you to listen, not fix or give advice (unless we ask for it), and we want our children to be treated like everyone else’s.