Tonight
was one of those nights. We went to my son’s soccer practice and end up coming
home after 20 minutes of trying to get him engaged in the class. The noise and
17 other children (with parents) was just too much. As soon as I got home, I got
a phone call from a family member who proceeded to tell me what I did wrong in
letting my child leave practice early, and what I should have done. Others who
do not walk in your shoes can sometimes be quick to judge or give advice. After
tonight’s phone call, I decided that I needed to blog about “What Not to Say”:
1.
Your child needs more discipline; Give me your
child for a week and I’ll handle this; or My favorite- you need to spank it out
of them.
2.
You need to set higher standards for your child
or you give in too easily.
3.
Why is your child in therapy because they look
normal?
4.
What is wrong with your child? * It is okay to
ask specific questions like: Can you tell me more about their diagnosis or
disability?
5.
You need to do more as a parent for your child.
No wonder the child is that way.
6.
You need to do less as a parent for your child.
You need to help them be more independent.
7.
What caused this…is it genetic? Who did they
get it from?
8.
Will the child grow out of it? Will he catch
up?
9.
Why did you continue having kids? You want
more?!?! Aren’t your hands full?
10. Have you tried ____________ (special diets/
different kinds of therapy/ different techniques)? * This question is okay if
it is another therapy/ special needs parent trying to connect with you and help you out. It
can be hurtful when it is an outsider who has no idea on how much you have
already tried. It makes you feel like they think you have not done enough.
11. I can’t believe you are ___________ (doing a
certain amount of therapy, giving the child medicine/ not giving the child
medicine).
12. What do you do all day since you are not
working?
Yes,
all of the twelve statements and questions above have been said to me at one
point or another and have hurt. Special needs parents are parents too and are trying
everything they can to help their child be their best. Just like everyone else,
they need encouragement, love, and help.
Here are some examples that every special needs parent wants to hear:
1.
Wow! Your child is making so much progress. I
bet you are proud.
2.
How can I help?
3.
You are doing a great job.
4.
You are a great mom/ dad.
5.
What is the child currently working on?
6.
What new skill has your child developed?
7.
How is your child doing with _____ (school/ sports/ activity)?
8.
I will be praying for you and your child.
9. What a cute or sweet child. (Yes! We love for
you to compliment our child)
10.
I understand. I have been there. There is no
judgment here.
11. Say
nothing, just interact with the child. Sometimes sweet and loving actions speak
louder than words.
We want to hear these things, because at the
end of the day, we are just parents with kids. We want you to listen, not fix
or give advice (unless we ask for it), and we want our children to be treated
like everyone else’s.
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