Disciplining A Special Needs Child

Something that I struggled with in the past was disciplining my child. I didn’t want to discipline my child for acting out due to overstimulation. I was always asking myself: Is this due to his behavior or disability? Over time, I was able to discover the difference.

Meltdowns happen often in children who have neurological disorders. It usually happens when a child is overwhelmed (with sensory, emotions, information, or change) and no longer feels in control. You will normally see your child in distress (breathing hard, stimming, rise in anxiety, change of voice (pitch) or change in facial expressions) before a meltdown takes place. A meltdown also seems to get worse over time.  The child is not concerned about their audience, so trying to discipline a child during a meltdown WILL NOT work. If you are having trouble with meltdowns, stimming, or anxiety please read my previous posts to help your child.

During a tantrum, a child remains in control and can stop at anytime. Tantrums usually happen because a child wants something (an object/ attention/ their way). When a child is having a tantrum, they will monitor if they are getting their way, and won’t allow themselves to get hurt. The child will also stop when they have reached their goal (ex: you bought the candy they wanted). A child who is acting out or having a tantrum needs consistent discipline. I give one warning and restate my expectation before my children have a consequence unless I am letting a natural consequence occur. Here are some ideas for disciplining your special needs child:

1.      Time Out (for the child) - Find a boring place in your house for time out. I have found that time out doesn’t work in the bedroom because there is too much stuff in there to keep my children entertained. A great boring time out place is in the hallway. When I put my children in time out, I sit them on the floor or in a chair and say, “You are in time out because you made a bad choice. You _________.”  Then, I set the timer for the number of their age. If they touch the timer during time out, the time starts over again.  When time is up, I ask them why they were in time out. If they cannot remember, I remind them. Then, I give them a hug and tell them I love them. I always end by saying, “I know you are going to make good choices now.”

 

2.      Time Out (for the toy) - I also put toys in time out. Here are some reasons why I would put a toy in time out:

 

·         The children are fighting over a toy

·         I told my child to stop playing with a toy, and they continued to keep playing

Just like putting my child in time out, the toy is put up for a certain amount of time.

3.      Loss of Privilege- Privileges are extra things we give our children.  When you take away a privilege, it needs to be something your child cares deeply about to make the consequence effective. When my child gets this consequence, I tell him what is being taken away, why, and for how long. When the time is up, we address why the privilege was taken away. Then, I give him a hug and tell him that I know he will make good choices now. Here is a list of privileges I take away from my children:

·         Loss of television time

·         Loss of computer time

·         Loss of tablet  time

·         Loss of story time

·         Loss of favorite toy

·         Loss of staying up later (earlier bedtime)

·         Loss of fun activity

·         Loss of phone time

·         Loss of bike time

It is important to NOT continue with loss of privilege if the child continues to act out. You don’t want to take away everything. If your child has more than three things taken away, you may want to re-evaluate and choose a different discipline method.

4.      Natural Consequences- As parents, we want to rescue our children and make sure they do not get hurt or harmed. However, rescuing our children can make them co-dependent. It is important that our children learn natural consequences.

My son one day refused to put on his shoes because they were hurting him (due to sensory). Instead of fighting with him over the shoes, I told him to carry his shoes. As soon as he stepped out of the car, it was hot. He then decided he needed his shoes. He put them on, and I didn’t have to say a word.

 

5.      Ignoring the Behavior- Children naturally want to attention of their parents. Ignoring bad behavior when a child is seeking your attention can be affective.

 

The other day I was talking to my friend who had a son that refused to go to bed because he wanted to play. She told him to go to bed, and he refused. So, instead of fighting him to go to bed, she ignored him and let him stay up and play. He finally came to his mom and asked her to tuck him in for bed. She told him that she couldn’t because he waited too long, and she was in bed. The next morning she woke him up early to experience the natural consequence of staying up too late. He has gone to bed on time since then. Ignoring the behavior and letting a child experience natural consequences was very effective here.

 

6.      Encourage and Praise Good Behavior- Since children want the attention of their parents, a parent can redirect bad behavior with encouraging good behavior. Basically, praise the good behavior and ignore the bad.

 

We have a praise chart at home where the kids can earn stickers. We have their goals listed on the chart. If they meet a goal they get a sticker. If they don’t meet a goal, they get no sticker. Every night, we review the goals and put stickers on the chart if a goal was met. Once the chart is full with stickers, they get a prize.

 

Disciplining a child with special needs can be challenging.  I hope these six disciplining methods will help you. I have also found the book, SOS Help For Parents by Lynn Clark very helpful.